AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): When most Westerners hear the word “milk,” they surmise it has something to do with cows. But the fact is that humans drink milk collected from sheep, goats, camels, yaks, mares, llamas, and reindeer. And many grocery stores now stock milk made from soybeans, rice, almonds, coconut, hemp, and oats. I’m wondering if maybe it’s a good time for you to initiate a comparable diversification, Aquarius. You shouldn’t necessarily give up the primal sources of nourishment you have been depending on. Just consider the possibility that it might be fun and healthy for you to seek sustenance from some unconventional or unexpected sources.
You’ll come up short, over and over and over again. So don’t bother. The time to embrace reality has come—you’re never going anywhere or doing anything interesting with your life. In fact, you should just give up now and save everyone else the agony of hearing you complain.
I have a habit of reading my horoscope for hours when I am at my most depressed. If I were honest on OKCupid, it would say “Aquarius and it’s fun to think about,” but instead it just says “Aquarius” because I don’t want someone to get the wrong impression and think I put a lot of weight into it when I don’t.
But it’s fun to think about.
Of course, it was my mistake to look up the AstroSlam horoscope that’s offered through the horoscope app on my phone today, because I did not know AstroSlam offering is essentially a humorously mean piece of advice. When I read this—“you’re never going anywhere or doing anything interesting with your life”—after an hour of crying and feeling hopeless, it seemed like the moment in a television show where the heroine is at her lowest, doubted by all around her, and she reads something that seems to be mocking her just like everyone else is, and then she blinks and shakes her head and it is revealed what she saw was just her imagination doing its worst.
When I read this, trained by years of media absorption, I blinked furiously and shook my head, waiting for the writing to blear and fade away into something more optimistic. After a minute, the writing hadn’t changed, and I burst into tears all over again.
Hey, thanks Rob Brezny! This week’s Free Will Astrology (the only horoscope I bother with, for the record, because its not really a horoscope at all) for Aquarians is badass. (via muscovite)
I know I have posted about my love of Free Will Astrology before but it never hurts to say it again.
ARIES (MARCH 21—APRIL 19)
Nine-year-old Fatima Santos told the San Francisco Chronicle her opinions about the movie Toy Story: “If I had to make a movie like this, I would make it funnier. I would make Mr. Potato Head look funnier that he already does. I would put his hair on his legs, his shoes on his head, and his arms on his face. His eyeballs would be on the place where his arms are.” In the coming week, Aries, I advise you to engage in Fatima’s enlightened style of cockeyed thinking. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, you have the power and the mandate to improve pretty much every scenario you’re in by making it less predictable, more rambunctious, and just plain funnier.